I created this blog (or rather, previous forms of this blog) when my heart was broken.
This was still fresh in my mind when I named it "Le Coeur Vide" - The Empty Heart in French.

The tear going through the middle is in some ways still healing and there will always be a deep scar there. Yet my heart is no longer empty, broken or battered.

Time for a new blog, with a new name.

Suggestions for a name?

On giving up a best friend

I am what you could call a coffee aficionado. I love coffee in any roast and any form. Lattes, cappuccinos, espresso, french press - adore them all. I particularly love any Italian blend. I could talk to you about coffee all day long. The aromatic smell, the sight of the steam rising up off the gorgeous brown liquid, the feeling of happiness that rushes through my body with the first sip. I have converted everyone close to me into coffee addicts - best friends, boyfriends - simply because grabbing coffee is my favorite thing to do because it makes me so intoxicated with joy.

So believe me when I say, giving up caffeine is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do (I know, I've been extremely lucky). It's like giving up a best friend. So why would I willingly put myself through this?

I'm telling myself it's for my own well being. I'm always on edge, I'm always anxious and very irritable, I'm restless, I have muscle tremors, headaches, abnormal heart rhythms. I have no energy anymore and never make it to the gym. I have the worst PMS most have ever seen. Not to mention, I'm severely allergic to dairy products and I remember to take my calcium supplement once a month if I'm lucky. The sometimes seven cups of coffee I consume in a day is leaching the calcium out of my bones. I decided it was time to be an adult and give it up for my own health benefits.

As a result of no caffeine, I've never been so tired in my life. I have the worst time getting out of bed in the morning, even though I've been passing out by 10 P.M. at the latest. I wish I could have been smart enough to quit when I wasn't working almost 70 hours a week but I never do smart things now, do I?

What's the hardest thing you've ever had to give up?

Need. sleep.

I'm tired. My friend's band is having a CD release party tonight and all I want to do is curl up into a little ball and catch up on alone time and sleep. I can't complain - I'm making enough to pay off my $2,600 credit card debt and hopefully save at least $3,000 for my move in July. At the same time, I kinda miss having a life and energy and time to study for the LSAT. I have to start finding a time to go to the gym so that I feel better about myself. I think I might bring in a fitness ball to use as a chair at my desk at my office job so I can strengthen my inner core while fighting corporations whose products cause disease. Regardless...I think by the time July rolls around, I'm going to be one exhausted girl.

I love Edward Monkton.

Working 65+ hours a week has pretty much kicked me in the ass already and I'm not sure how much longer I can do it. Too bad I have at least three months of it left. LSAT? Maybe in October. The only thing I can seem to do in my spare time is watch episodes of Rescue Me on hulu.com. Too bad I burned (pun intended) through season three and season four is not yet up there. What's a girl to do with no more Tommy Gavin?!

Don't stop the dancing...

I couldn't resist...Check this OUT!

This brightened my day

I'm a BBC News and Huffington Post girl but sometimes I go crazy and check out CNN as well. Imagine my pleasant surprise this morning when I did just that and discovered this:



I think he's one flight attendant who doesn't have to worry about losing his job for at least a little bit longer.

Moving forward

I was leaving work on Thursday when I saw my phone light up out of the corner of my eye. Usually I ignore calls from numbers I don't know because I'm an avid fan of avoiding awkward situations and you never know who is on the other end of that call. This time wasn't any different, I let it go to voicemail.

Turns out, it was a law firm that I interviewed with in January offering me a job as a paralegal. It's a temporary position until July while one of the paralegals is out on maternity leave and it pays a lot more than I was making at the non-profit. I'll be able to move in July without being stressed about having to quit a job and I'll hopefully have a little more in my savings account.

The problem? Quitting the non-profit, without being able to give notice because the law firm needs me to start right away. I've only been at the non-profit for three weeks, I didn't think it would be an issue. I thought they would tell me to go home on the spot, like most places would if you've only been there a hand full of weeks.

Nope. My supervisor told me she needs at least two weeks notice, let me know she thinks I'm leaving them in a lurch, that I'm irresponsible, and that I made a commitment and I need to learn how to honor my commitments. I explained that I wasn't expecting this opportunity to fall into my lap but I can't afford to pass up an offer to work in the field that I'm trained in and that I want to further my education in. I told her that I appreciated the time and experience the agency has given me, I learned a lot in my short time and I know I'm putting them in a difficult spot and I apologize for that. She still continued to be rude. I can't imagine what it would have been like if I tried to leave in July, after I'd been there for five months. Monday's my last day with the non-profit, Tuesday is my first day at the law firm. It's funny that I have three jobs at home but I was in Seattle for six months and only found one that I stayed at for a week (that's a story for another time).

Speaking of accounts, I just got my federal tax refund and now have a lot more in my bank account than I have in a long time. Unfortunately it's pretty much all going to pay off my credit cards because what's the point of saving money if I'm just accruing more interest on debt?

Tonight I'm going to a local show of the Vagina Monologues. Cannot wait!

Trivial Needs.

I really want these:







but I just purchased this last week:









I'm supposed to be saving money, not spending it.
This weekend, I already plan to buy new underwear (8 days!), pay for the hotel in Toronto and a total of $50 to see my favorite DJs while there. I also just put a large chunk of money towards my Macy's bill. Therefore, I really shouldn't be dropping $35.00 +S&H on shoes I don't need. But I don't have any purple shoes in my collection...

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life.

I usually remember snippets of my dreams but rarely give them a second thought. I certainly do not under normal circumstances do google searches to find out what my dream means; I definitely do not believe in those types of things.

Yet my dream from last night seems to be haunting me. It invaded my thoughts while I was on the bike at the gym trying to read Forbes magazine, it taunted me while studying for the LSAT. I kept telling myself it does not mean anything and not to type the words "dream dictionary" into Google, but my curiosity got the better of me (as always).

In my dream, I was pregnant and that was the reason that my abs have not be defined as of late (the real reason is that I'm lazy, have been skipping the gym, and have been eating like a pig). It was one of those dreams that you could feel what was happening and it really felt as if I was pregnant. The weirdest part was who the father was. He was in the form of my ex-boyfriend but I kept calling him by my current boyfriend's name. In my head, I was comparing him to my ex-boyfriend, which is something I never do. My boyfriend won out in every category I was comparing but the person I was referring to as my boyfriend was physically my ex-boyfriend (did I lose you yet?).

Anyway, I couldn't put "confusing ex boyfriend with boyfriend" into a dream dictionary so I settled on just discovering what some people decided that dreaming about pregnancy meant. This is what I discovered:

"If you are a younger woman who dreams of getting pregnant, but has no waking intention of doing so, it is likely that you are working through an archetypal transition into a new self-awareness. One of Jung's archetypes is the archetype of parenting or preserving the species. To see oneself engaged in such activity is to grow from being a child to identifying more prominently with adults."

I guess it would make sense in the fact that pregnancy affected my body, particularly the area that I feel I need to work on. As for my boyfriend looking like my ex but essentially being the same person in all ways except physical....I'm lost and slightly disturbed by my seemingly fucked up subconscious.

Life Changes

I think while I was sleeping I must have had a revelation of sorts. I woke up determined to change various things about my life and actually set to doing so.

LSAT
Why in the world have I been putting this off? I'm partially scared of them, due to the fact the one time I did take them, I did horrifically. Then again I didn't study.
I'm also worried about time, as I may be starting a second job in addition to my full time job very soon (Seattle living will not be cheap!). I realized that I should be studying to learn how to take the test as much as I can before I do start this job and then I can just practice when I have a free moment. With that said, I got up and studied for two hours already today. I'm focusing on the Logical Reasoning portion for now.

Fitness/Health
It's becoming increasingly apparent to me that my allergy to all things dairy is losing its magic in keeping me tiny. I think I actually have to start being conscious of what I put in my mouth and how much I exercise. With that said, I'm going to vigorously do some research about what I should be cutting down on and what I should be increasing in my diet, as well as establish a schedule to actually go to the gym, even if it means going at 6 A.M.

Attitude
I have a super bad attitude lately. I hate everyone and everything. Hopefully staying busy, eating better, and exercising will help this. We shall see!


Any suggestions to help this transformation into a mentally stable, healthy person?

My children that will never be

I don't want children. I never have.

If I ever happen to change my mind or have an accident, her name will be Stella Elliott. It's impossible for me to have a boy. I wouldn't know what to do with him.

Or so I thought. Until I watched this:



Now if I ever have an accident that happens to be a boy, he is definitely going to be doing this type of thing.

Oh, and his name will be Elliott. That's just a coincidence that the above video is from the musical "Billy Elliot", since he'd be named after Elliott Smith.

I heart Toronto

The boyfriend is coming to visit in a few weeks and I'm dragging him to one of my favorite cities, and its world famous club, The Guvernment. Armin Van Burren and Markus Schulz are spinning and I'm SO EXCITED. Oddly, it's the same day I was there in 2008, with the ex and some MDMA. Let's just say, the side effects of lock jaw, teeth grinding, and severe depression as a form of withdrawal are enough for me to confidentantly say I'm staying away from it for the rest of my life. Hopefully...

Regardless, I hope Van Burren plays Blake Jarrell's Pacha NYC Remix of Death Cab For Cutie's "Marching Bands Of Manhattan". It's incredible.

Enjoy:

Ohh just some things I'm drooling over

Octopus Bracelet from ModCloth - $15.99; Straight Leg Jeans from GAP - $69.50
Necklace from Forever21 - $4.80; Black Pumps from Jessica Simpson - $89.99
Remember Ring from Mod Cloth - $12.99; Scarf from Target - $12.99
Umbrella from RainDrops - $45.00; Cardigan from Express - $39.50

I have the J.Simp pumps (I hate her music but she knows how to stamp her name on a good shoe!), the yellow scarf from Target, and GAP Jeans (although they're almost two years old). I'm contemplating splurging on the bracelet because I LOVE it, but I really need to save money to buy contacts SOON because I can't handle wearing glasses all the time. Oh and there's that thing I need to save for....the thing where I move back across the country. Yea, that.

I'm horrible at the friends that are girls thing.

As in having female friends. Especially in large groups.

I was complaining to my (male) friend that I have no girl friends and he told me I should hang out with his fiancee because he thought we'd really get along and she's always complaining about the exact same issue. Great, I thought. New friend!

I adore his fiancee. She's amazing, we have a lot of the same interests (read: shopping), and she's just a fun person. So when she asked me over for a girl's night with some of her friends, I jumped at the chance. I made cupcakes (I was making them anyway for dinner at my sister's) and got there on time. Turns out, her friends aren't quite what I pictured. Her cousin is ghet-to. She was wearing more eye make-up than necessary and is 20 or something so she loved talking about how she's so cool because she drinks but she's underage. Her best friend is dating her brother and is my age but acts like she's also under 21 and invented the act of getting hamboned. Her other friends were just different for lack of a better word to describe them.

Normally, I have no problem fitting in and am able to hold a conversation with people I don't know about pretty much anything. I guess I just wasn't in the mood to try to be involved in a conversation about something I have absolutely no interest in. And then the board games came out and I don't feel comfortable when my extreme competitive side comes out around people I don't know. And if there's a game involved...it will. To the max. Also, I'm not into drinking large amounts of alcohol and then driving myself home. So I made up some excuse about how I had to meet some friends at a bar and left. It wasn't a complete lie...I was getting texts from some friends asking me to come to the bar. But for some reason I find myself in bed, snuggled up with Carolyn Cassady's adventures with Neal Cassady and Jack Kerouac. I'm lame.

Counting down the days until I can move back to Seattle....

Book Worm Galore

I'm pretty excited that soon my life is going to go from 0 to 100 MPH. I start my new job on Monday and in 2 weeks I'll have a second, part-time job as well. I have the LSAT to study for and boyfriend is coming in three weeks.

So why did I go to the library and check out more books than I can read?

I just finished Hunter S. Thompson's "Hell's Angels" - I enjoyed it.

This is what I have left:

• Maritta Wolf - "Sudden Rain"
• Norman Miler "The Castle in the Forest"
• Carolyn Cassady "Off the Road"
• Sue Monk Kidd "The Secret Life of Bees"
• Alison Weir "Innocent Traitor"
  

Although I have all these books to knock off and enter into my GoodReads (I'm obsessed with that website), my free time has been spent watching Torchwood. What can I say, Captain Jack Harkness is pretty hot.

Even so, I'm also looking for more good books to read. I really want to read "The Inheritance" by David E. Sanger about what challenges Obama faces, as well as "Snark" by David Denby, why the New York Times reviewed today. Any other suggestions?

(Why did my Blog Roll disappear?)

Ummmm I'm in love.

With a statue made up of Lego's.









I'm a complete Egyptology freak and if I had known how to do more than simple addition and subtraction, as well as majored in archeology, I totally would have applied to the University of Chicago's Ph.D. program in Egyptology.

I often kick myself over that and have to settle for all the pretty Egyptian statues/artwork I have in my room, as well as the shelves of books that line my walls dedicated to the topic .

Jon Hamm Mad Men vs. Jon Hamm 30 Rock

Jon Hamm as Don Draper in "Mad Men":
















Jon Hamm as he appears in "30 Rock":












Insanely hotter as an advertising executive in the 1960's, opposed to a pediatrician dating Liz Lemon in 2009.

Why can't men still dress in that fashion?

Employment At Last!

Someone was actually crazy enough to think it's a good idea to offer me a job.

A job at a non-profit organization, which is paying me hardly anything, but still a really incredibly cool job - one that I'm pretty sure I'm going to love.

I start Monday. I'm extremely nervous and excited.

Brash and Hopeful.

I love when asked the question "what is your dream job?" in an interview.

After law school, I'd like to become an international human rights lawyer based in London for a NGO, such as Amnesty International, where they need U.S. trained attorneys in foreign countries. After working with such a NGO fighting for human rights (mostly women's) in third world countries, I'd like to weasel my way into UNIFEM (United Nations Development Fund for Women) and spends months at a time attending UN conferences in Geneva. While doing so, I'd like to be a correspondent for such news outlets as Women's eNews.

Does this have anything to do with the position I'm applying for currently? No. What is my typical response?

Something along the lines of, I'd love to work in such and such industry (shoot me) and earn my M.B.A. (never going to happen) while growing professionally and helping a corporation to grow at the same time (corporation? no thanks).

So there are two underlying questions here. If I know so specifically what I ultimately want to do with my life...why do I feel so "lost"? And because all of these goals require law school, why am I not studying with every free moment (which is currently 24/7) for the LSAT?