Le Coeur Vide

2009-04-14T20:04:00.000-07:00

I created this blog (or rather, previous forms of this blog) when my heart was broken.
This was still fresh in my mind when I named it "Le Coeur Vide" - The Empty Heart in French.

The tear going through the middle is in some ways still healing and there will always be a deep scar there. Yet my heart is no longer empty, broken or battered.

Time for a new blog, with a new name.

Suggestions for a name?

On giving up a best friend

2009-04-09T15:06:00.000-07:00

I am what you could call a coffee aficionado. I love coffee in any roast and any form. Lattes, cappuccinos, espresso, french press - adore them all. I particularly love any Italian blend. I could talk to you about coffee all day long. The aromatic smell, the sight of the steam rising up off the gorgeous brown liquid, the feeling of happiness that rushes through my body with the first sip. I have converted everyone close to me into coffee addicts - best friends, boyfriends - simply because grabbing coffee is my favorite thing to do because it makes me so intoxicated with joy.

So believe me when I say, giving up caffeine is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do (I know, I've been extremely lucky). It's like giving up a best friend. So why would I willingly put myself through this?

I'm telling myself it's for my own well being. I'm always on edge, I'm always anxious and very irritable, I'm restless, I have muscle tremors, headaches, abnormal heart rhythms. I have no energy anymore and never make it to the gym. I have the worst PMS most have ever seen. Not to mention, I'm severely allergic to dairy products and I remember to take my calcium supplement once a month if I'm lucky. The sometimes seven cups of coffee I consume in a day is leaching the calcium out of my bones. I decided it was time to be an adult and give it up for my own health benefits.

As a result of no caffeine, I've never been so tired in my life. I have the worst time getting out of bed in the morning, even though I've been passing out by 10 P.M. at the latest. I wish I could have been smart enough to quit when I wasn't working almost 70 hours a week but I never do smart things now, do I?

What's the hardest thing you've ever had to give up?

Need. sleep.

2009-04-04T15:55:00.000-07:00

I'm tired. My friend's band is having a CD release party tonight and all I want to do is curl up into a little ball and catch up on alone time and sleep. I can't complain - I'm making enough to pay off my $2,600 credit card debt and hopefully save at least $3,000 for my move in July. At the same time, I kinda miss having a life and energy and time to study for the LSAT. I have to start finding a time to go to the gym so that I feel better about myself. I think I might bring in a fitness ball to use as a chair at my desk at my office job so I can strengthen my inner core while fighting corporations whose products cause disease. Regardless...I think by the time July rolls around, I'm going to be one exhausted girl.

I love Edward Monkton.

2009-04-03T19:08:00.001-07:00

2009-03-29T16:40:00.001-07:00

Working 65+ hours a week has pretty much kicked me in the ass already and I'm not sure how much longer I can do it. Too bad I have at least three months of it left. LSAT? Maybe in October. The only thing I can seem to do in my spare time is watch episodes of Rescue Me on hulu.com. Too bad I burned (pun intended) through season three and season four is not yet up there. What's a girl to do with no more Tommy Gavin?!

Don't stop the dancing...

2009-03-15T15:56:00.000-07:00

I couldn't resist...Check this OUT!

This brightened my day

2009-03-15T06:41:00.001-07:00

I'm a BBC News and Huffington Post girl but sometimes I go crazy and check out CNN as well. Imagine my pleasant surprise this morning when I did just that and discovered this:

I think he's one flight attendant who doesn't have to worry about losing his job for at least a little bit longer.

Moving forward

2009-03-14T05:32:00.000-07:00

I was leaving work on Thursday when I saw my phone light up out of the corner of my eye. Usually I ignore calls from numbers I don't know because I'm an avid fan of avoiding awkward situations and you never know who is on the other end of that call. This time wasn't any different, I let it go to voicemail.

Turns out, it was a law firm that I interviewed with in January offering me a job as a paralegal. It's a temporary position until July while one of the paralegals is out on maternity leave and it pays a lot more than I was making at the non-profit. I'll be able to move in July without being stressed about having to quit a job and I'll hopefully have a little more in my savings account.

The problem? Quitting the non-profit, without being able to give notice because the law firm needs me to start right away. I've only been at the non-profit for three weeks, I didn't think it would be an issue. I thought they would tell me to go home on the spot, like most places would if you've only been there a hand full of weeks.

Nope. My supervisor told me she needs at least two weeks notice, let me know she thinks I'm leaving them in a lurch, that I'm irresponsible, and that I made a commitment and I need to learn how to honor my commitments. I explained that I wasn't expecting this opportunity to fall into my lap but I can't afford to pass up an offer to work in the field that I'm trained in and that I want to further my education in. I told her that I appreciated the time and experience the agency has given me, I learned a lot in my short time and I know I'm putting them in a difficult spot and I apologize for that. She still continued to be rude. I can't imagine what it would have been like if I tried to leave in July, after I'd been there for five months. Monday's my last day with the non-profit, Tuesday is my first day at the law firm. It's funny that I have three jobs at home but I was in Seattle for six months and only found one that I stayed at for a week (that's a story for another time).

Speaking of accounts, I just got my federal tax refund and now have a lot more in my bank account than I have in a long time. Unfortunately it's pretty much all going to pay off my credit cards because what's the point of saving money if I'm just accruing more interest on debt?

Tonight I'm going to a local show of the Vagina Monologues. Cannot wait!

Trivial Needs.

2009-03-10T14:50:00.000-07:00

I really want these:

but I just purchased this last week:

I'm supposed to be saving money, not spending it.
This weekend, I already plan to buy new underwear (8 days!), pay for the hotel in Toronto and a total of $50 to see my favorite DJs while there. I also just put a large chunk of money towards my Macy's bill. Therefore, I really shouldn't be dropping $35.00 +S&H on shoes I don't need. But I don't have any purple shoes in my collection...

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life.

2009-03-08T13:45:00.001-07:00

I usually remember snippets of my dreams but rarely give them a second thought. I certainly do not under normal circumstances do google searches to find out what my dream means; I definitely do not believe in those types of things.

Yet my dream from last night seems to be haunting me. It invaded my thoughts while I was on the bike at the gym trying to read Forbes magazine, it taunted me while studying for the LSAT. I kept telling myself it does not mean anything and not to type the words "dream dictionary" into Google, but my curiosity got the better of me (as always).

In my dream, I was pregnant and that was the reason that my abs have not be defined as of late (the real reason is that I'm lazy, have been skipping the gym, and have been eating like a pig). It was one of those dreams that you could feel what was happening and it really felt as if I was pregnant. The weirdest part was who the father was. He was in the form of my ex-boyfriend but I kept calling him by my current boyfriend's name. In my head, I was comparing him to my ex-boyfriend, which is something I never do. My boyfriend won out in every category I was comparing but the person I was referring to as my boyfriend was physically my ex-boyfriend (did I lose you yet?).

Anyway, I couldn't put "confusing ex boyfriend with boyfriend" into a dream dictionary so I settled on just discovering what some people decided that dreaming about pregnancy meant. This is what I discovered:

"If you are a younger woman who dreams of getting pregnant, but has no waking intention of doing so, it is likely that you are working through an archetypal transition into a new self-awareness. One of Jung's archetypes is the archetype of parenting or preserving the species. To see oneself engaged in such activity is to grow from being a child to identifying more prominently with adults."

I guess it would make sense in the fact that pregnancy affected my body, particularly the area that I feel I need to work on. As for my boyfriend looking like my ex but essentially being the same person in all ways except physical....I'm lost and slightly disturbed by my seemingly fucked up subconscious.

Life Changes

2009-03-07T09:19:00.000-08:00

I think while I was sleeping I must have had a revelation of sorts. I woke up determined to change various things about my life and actually set to doing so.

LSAT
Why in the world have I been putting this off? I'm partially scared of them, due to the fact the one time I did take them, I did horrifically. Then again I didn't study.
I'm also worried about time, as I may be starting a second job in addition to my full time job very soon (Seattle living will not be cheap!). I realized that I should be studying to learn how to take the test as much as I can before I do start this job and then I can just practice when I have a free moment. With that said, I got up and studied for two hours already today. I'm focusing on the Logical Reasoning portion for now.

Fitness/Health
It's becoming increasingly apparent to me that my allergy to all things dairy is losing its magic in keeping me tiny. I think I actually have to start being conscious of what I put in my mouth and how much I exercise. With that said, I'm going to vigorously do some research about what I should be cutting down on and what I should be increasing in my diet, as well as establish a schedule to actually go to the gym, even if it means going at 6 A.M.

Attitude
I have a super bad attitude lately. I hate everyone and everything. Hopefully staying busy, eating better, and exercising will help this. We shall see!

Any suggestions to help this transformation into a mentally stable, healthy person?

My children that will never be

2009-03-03T17:34:00.000-08:00

I don't want children. I never have.

If I ever happen to change my mind or have an accident, her name will be Stella Elliott. It's impossible for me to have a boy. I wouldn't know what to do with him.

Or so I thought. Until I watched this:

Now if I ever have an accident that happens to be a boy, he is definitely going to be doing this type of thing.

Oh, and his name will be Elliott. That's just a coincidence that the above video is from the musical "Billy Elliot", since he'd be named after Elliott Smith.

I heart Toronto

2009-03-02T11:23:00.000-08:00

The boyfriend is coming to visit in a few weeks and I'm dragging him to one of my favorite cities, and its world famous club, The Guvernment. Armin Van Burren and Markus Schulz are spinning and I'm SO EXCITED. Oddly, it's the same day I was there in 2008, with the ex and some MDMA. Let's just say, the side effects of lock jaw, teeth grinding, and severe depression as a form of withdrawal are enough for me to confidentantly say I'm staying away from it for the rest of my life. Hopefully...

Regardless, I hope Van Burren plays Blake Jarrell's Pacha NYC Remix of Death Cab For Cutie's "Marching Bands Of Manhattan". It's incredible.

Enjoy:

Ohh just some things I'm drooling over

2009-03-01T09:40:00.000-08:00

Octopus Bracelet from ModCloth - $15.99; Straight Leg Jeans from GAP - $69.50
Necklace from Forever21 - $4.80; Black Pumps from Jessica Simpson - $89.99
Remember Ring from Mod Cloth - $12.99; Scarf from Target - $12.99
Umbrella from RainDrops - $45.00; Cardigan from Express - $39.50

I have the J.Simp pumps (I hate her music but she knows how to stamp her name on a good shoe!), the yellow scarf from Target, and GAP Jeans (although they're almost two years old). I'm contemplating splurging on the bracelet because I LOVE it, but I really need to save money to buy contacts SOON because I can't handle wearing glasses all the time. Oh and there's that thing I need to save for....the thing where I move back across the country. Yea, that.

I'm horrible at the friends that are girls thing.

2009-02-28T19:29:00.000-08:00

As in having female friends. Especially in large groups.

I was complaining to my (male) friend that I have no girl friends and he told me I should hang out with his fiancee because he thought we'd really get along and she's always complaining about the exact same issue. Great, I thought. New friend!

I adore his fiancee. She's amazing, we have a lot of the same interests (read: shopping), and she's just a fun person. So when she asked me over for a girl's night with some of her friends, I jumped at the chance. I made cupcakes (I was making them anyway for dinner at my sister's) and got there on time. Turns out, her friends aren't quite what I pictured. Her cousin is ghet-to. She was wearing more eye make-up than necessary and is 20 or something so she loved talking about how she's so cool because she drinks but she's underage. Her best friend is dating her brother and is my age but acts like she's also under 21 and invented the act of getting hamboned. Her other friends were just different for lack of a better word to describe them.

Normally, I have no problem fitting in and am able to hold a conversation with people I don't know about pretty much anything. I guess I just wasn't in the mood to try to be involved in a conversation about something I have absolutely no interest in. And then the board games came out and I don't feel comfortable when my extreme competitive side comes out around people I don't know. And if there's a game involved...it will. To the max. Also, I'm not into drinking large amounts of alcohol and then driving myself home. So I made up some excuse about how I had to meet some friends at a bar and left. It wasn't a complete lie...I was getting texts from some friends asking me to come to the bar. But for some reason I find myself in bed, snuggled up with Carolyn Cassady's adventures with Neal Cassady and Jack Kerouac. I'm lame.

Counting down the days until I can move back to Seattle....

Book Worm Galore

2009-02-22T07:22:00.001-08:00

I'm pretty excited that soon my life is going to go from 0 to 100 MPH. I start my new job on Monday and in 2 weeks I'll have a second, part-time job as well. I have the LSAT to study for and boyfriend is coming in three weeks.

So why did I go to the library and check out more books than I can read?

I just finished Hunter S. Thompson's "Hell's Angels" - I enjoyed it.

This is what I have left:

Maritta Wolf - "Sudden Rain"
Norman Miler "The Castle in the Forest"
Carolyn Cassady "Off the Road"
Sue Monk Kidd "The Secret Life of Bees"
Alison Weir "Innocent Traitor"

Although I have all these books to knock off and enter into my GoodReads (I'm obsessed with that website), my free time has been spent watching Torchwood. What can I say, Captain Jack Harkness is pretty hot.

Even so, I'm also looking for more good books to read. I really want to read "The Inheritance" by David E. Sanger about what challenges Obama faces, as well as "Snark" by David Denby, why the New York Times reviewed today. Any other suggestions?

(Why did my Blog Roll disappear?)

Ummmm I'm in love.

2009-02-21T09:59:00.000-08:00

With a statue made up of Lego's.

I'm a complete Egyptology freak and if I had known how to do more than simple addition and subtraction, as well as majored in archeology, I totally would have applied to the University of Chicago's Ph.D. program in Egyptology.

I often kick myself over that and have to settle for all the pretty Egyptian statues/artwork I have in my room, as well as the shelves of books that line my walls dedicated to the topic .

Jon Hamm Mad Men vs. Jon Hamm 30 Rock

2009-02-20T12:57:00.000-08:00

Jon Hamm as Don Draper in "Mad Men":

Jon Hamm as he appears in "30 Rock":

Insanely hotter as an advertising executive in the 1960's, opposed to a pediatrician dating Liz Lemon in 2009.

Why can't men still dress in that fashion?

Employment At Last!

2009-02-19T14:21:00.000-08:00

Someone was actually crazy enough to think it's a good idea to offer me a job.

A job at a non-profit organization, which is paying me hardly anything, but still a really incredibly cool job - one that I'm pretty sure I'm going to love.

I start Monday. I'm extremely nervous and excited.

Brash and Hopeful.

2009-02-19T09:30:00.000-08:00

I love when asked the question "what is your dream job?" in an interview.

After law school, I'd like to become an international human rights lawyer based in London for a NGO, such as Amnesty International, where they need U.S. trained attorneys in foreign countries. After working with such a NGO fighting for human rights (mostly women's) in third world countries, I'd like to weasel my way into UNIFEM (United Nations Development Fund for Women) and spends months at a time attending UN conferences in Geneva. While doing so, I'd like to be a correspondent for such news outlets as Women's eNews.

Does this have anything to do with the position I'm applying for currently? No. What is my typical response?

Something along the lines of, I'd love to work in such and such industry (shoot me) and earn my M.B.A. (never going to happen) while growing professionally and helping a corporation to grow at the same time (corporation? no thanks).

So there are two underlying questions here. If I know so specifically what I ultimately want to do with my life...why do I feel so "lost"? And because all of these goals require law school, why am I not studying with every free moment (which is currently 24/7) for the LSAT?

Annddd I'm back!

2009-02-16T16:06:00.000-08:00

Very unwillingly, but I'm back on the East Coast. I must admit I never, ever had a problem flying before but with the plane crash in the city I called home for five years, I was a little weary. What can you say about such a tragedy, when you know people who lost friends and family?

Seattle was amazing, it was as if I had never left. We drove about 5 hours south to Eugene, Oregon to surprise my best friend who attends law school at the University of Oregon. We ran around Volunteer Park, had the best Pho ever from Pho Cyclo, checked out a condo for the boyfriend, took some pictures of the outside of apartment buildings so I can remember where I want to look when I move back there this summer.

I recieved this wonderful coat as a Valentine's gift:

(he has fabulous taste!)

Mt. St. Helen's from the airplane.

Skyline from a place in the Queen Anne neighborhood

I could not recall a more perfect fall

2009-02-12T08:14:00.000-08:00

In Seattle until Monday...

...have a wonderful Valentine's day!

Free Rice!

2009-02-10T12:15:00.000-08:00

I love the website FreeRice.Com! I've always had an unhealthy obsession with it but I recently discovered that you can change subjects! I have been playing the country and French language ones incessantly. Go play!

"And ladies if you follow these instructions exactly you might bear to pull you a rapper"

2009-02-09T07:55:00.000-08:00

I wasn't planning on going to the gym today. I was planning on lying on the couch, feeding my coffee addiction and continuing to relish in my depression induced by being an unemployed twenty-three year old with the most useless degree in the world since I never went into it with the notion of teaching rug rats. If I have to be that unemployeed girl with knowledge of the technical terms for all things politically correct in the world (because what else did I learn in Feminist Theory besides how to charm the lesbian professor with my witty writing), I might as well look good.

Did I ever mention that it is the tiniest gym ever? At first I thought I might have accidentally walked into an assisted living facility. I was the youngest person there by fifty years. I felt very left out of the cool kids club, thanks to their icy stares.

I think the cardio machines are hand-me-downs from the 80's. I don't think. I know. In true Amanda fashion, I had to try every cardio machine, just because I was so amazed that this technology still exists. The most stable would probably be the treadmill but I find that to be so dull so I hopped back onto the elliptical, but the one with buttons. Not the one where you have to crank the knob to select your desired resistance. It groaned and creaked under all 108 pounds of me and at any moment I was ready to jump and roll to avoid any flying parts that might come my way. As my iPod battery decided it wanted to torture me by dying, I only spent 12:18 on the animated, volatile machine.

I headed over to the weights, which seemed a little more promising and up to date. Unfortunately, they didn't have my favorite machine in the whole wide world - the twisty abdominal one. The abdominal one they did have was another left over, this one dating probably to about mid 1990's but I'm not sure because my form of exercise back then included kick ball and not weight training.

To sum up my experience - thank goodness it's only $20 a month.

2009-02-07T19:26:00.001-08:00

[did I mention that it's 10:26 P.M. on a Saturday night...and I'm doing LSAT logic games? Love life.]

Teamwork? No thanks, I'd rather work alone.

2009-02-07T17:22:00.000-08:00

When I graduated from university on May 13, 2007, I forgot about many things.

Particularity how much I despise teamwork. As an executive legal assistant for a year, there was no teamwork involved. I was the sole assistant to three (demanding) attorneys. Everything that happened was done because I made it happen. I had all of the responsibility and I liked it that way.

By taking this paralegal certification class, this dislike for effort made by multiple people has been re-awakened in me. It's not because I'm bitchy and don't like people (I swear). I think it's the competitiveness in me. For class, she splits us into groups and often the task at hand is to find some obscure case. It's really not that hard and generally takes me about two minutes. I'm always the first one in the class to find the case (this is where my competitiveness comes into play) and this means that because of me, everyone in my group gets to leave early when in reality, they didn't actually do anything. I did. There was no actual teamwork involved. The first few classes, they seemed to hate me for this. Until they realized that the other group was staying much longer than we were.

Today was no different. After finding the case super quickly for everyone, I stayed behind in the law library to work on a take home test. A few hours went by and the other group still had not found a case that matched the criteria. There were six people in their group, not one of them could find it? So the instructor asked me to show them where I had found my case and how it applied to the criteria she named. So I did and it still took them another hour to find a case. Not to mention, that group really does not like me.

When we have to brief the case that I found as a team, they always insist that I write since I have the neatest handwriting. Of course I'm going to, my grade relies on it as well. This also means that when they bring up something that is obviously wrong, I will argue with them until I'm blue in the face because a) I'm insanely stubborn and b) again, it's my grade too!

All being a "team player" in a classroom setting gets me are glares and better grades for everyone on my team. Well, the nice, older man did buy me coffee since this was the third week in a row I saved the day. It's the fact that I'm doing everyone's work for them that I hate. What are they getting out of the class?

Dear Tegan & Sara,

2009-02-06T08:00:00.000-08:00

Up until three weeks ago, I lived super close to Vancouver, B.C. Now I'm 3,000 miles away and that's when you decide to do a show with Broken Social Scene in Vancouver. Which happens to be today, meaning this is an unhappy day for me. I already plan on spending it with "One Second" on repeat - in my car, my house, my iPod.

I've been checking tour dates for over the past four years and you never come to Toronto when I'm available. Yes, yes. You came October 8, 2007 and for some reason I missed it. Why? I'm not sure but I'm just going to blame the douche bag ex-boyfriend for the fun of it. That should not mean that I should be punished for the rest of my life. When this new album that you're creating with Chris Walla is released, please make it a point to come to whatever city I may be living in or near, whether it is Seattle, NYC, Buffalo or Toronto. I promise it will be worth it, since I'll be there. I'm one of your most faithful fans. Well, one of your favorite fans that has no interest in you sexually. Sorry (I don't like your haircuts). If it makes you feel better, your appearance on Season 3 of "The L Word" was the best episode ever.

XoXo,
Amanda

P.S. In addition to visiting a city near me, please send me an autographed copy of the album, on vinyl. Message me for the address of where to send it.

Twist your head around - it's all around you.

2009-02-05T12:49:00.000-08:00

I've always been the girl who likes a challenge, in every aspect of my life. Men are not, by any means, excluded in this. If a guy shows too much interest, I'm not interested. In fact, I was initially attracted to my boyfriend because he seemed to be a promising challenge. Observe:

Bouncer
Ex-Cop
Air Force Veteran
Divorced
Six years older
Tattoo Sleeve
Owns two motorcycles
Had a girlfriend when I met him

It turns out he's the most extraordinary environmental chemist you'll ever meet and in the end, not much of a challenge in my original definition of the word. I've learned that my definition of the word has highly evolved and I'm very okay with that. He's a challenge in many other ways, in fabulous ways. He's as stubborn as I am, which can be enlightening but also time consuming. He pushes me to do better, to study for the LSAT, to want more out of every day life. He's incredibly intelligent but very modest about it.

He also showers me with attention and gifts, which is something I've never truly experienced before. I'm usually the showerer, not the showeree (yes, I'm aware...not actual words). Gifts range from beautiful shoes and scarves, to a gorgeous globe that lights up because I'm absolutely obsessed with maps, geography and traveling (I despise Oxford Commas and usually avoid them).

The latest gift?

A trip to Seattle to visit him for Valentine's day, February 12-16th.

I cannot wait to attack him in the airport, Panda Style.

<- Simulated image of the Panda attack. Only he doesn't have long hair (thank goodness, that would look weird on him). I do enjoy her striped bag though.

I'm off to Boston!

2009-02-03T06:00:00.000-08:00

Hanging out with a high school friend and meeting up with a best friend from college. I'm sure I'll have plenty of stories to share upon my return.
Enjoy your week!

Was it all wasted?

2009-02-02T10:15:00.001-08:00

I'm extremely frustrated by temp agencies. It's very much the same thing over and over again.

I walk in. The Receptionist is one of two types of girls.

Type #1 - The Bitchy kind. She will roll her eyes at me at least 3 times in the time frame of approximately five minutes. Oh, I'm sorry. Am I interrupting your time on Facebook? Most often, she will have a nose ring, dried out hair from being over-colored, more make-up than a circus clown and clothes that don't fit right. She will act like she is doing me the BIGGEST favor ever by letting the Account Executive know I'm here.

or there is

Type #2 - My Automatic BFF. I prefer this type because they seem generally happy to be there. They cheerfully greet me and offer me coffee or water, ask me if I've found the building alright (I'm here, 10 minutes early, but thanks for inquiring). After I'm polite back, they decide this is the time to really get to know each other. I'll have to hear about their boyfriend problems, the car accident they got into that morning or just about what they want to do with their life. Typically, this type will also have a nose ring (what is it with receptionists at temp agencies and nose rings?), crazy colored hair and will be slightly overweight.

Often my thoughts on the first type of temp agency receptionists are - I could do your job so much better than you. On the second type, I usually give them tons of points of smiling and not making weird noises with their nose.

Both types of receptionists will set me up with the testing programs on the computer. One will snort, while the other one will just smile. One will go over how to go through the testing system so fast it just sounds like they're gargling mouth wash. You know, the mouth wash with alochol that hurts to swish around in your mouth for a full sixty seconds. The other will take the time to show me every single step.

Word, Excel, Typing Test. Then I get to meet the Account Executive where I hear the exact same thing every time, almost verbatim.

"Omigosh! First off, let's start out with your test scores. Phenomenal! You scored 95% on both Word and Excel, which is 30-40% above the average! Your words per minute score is 85! The average in this office is 33, so you're clearly ahead of everyone else! You have incredible work experiences! And a Bachelor of Arts degree! In English AND Women's Studies! Wow! I am just so impressed with you!"

Great, I get it. I know we're in a recession and there aren't as many companies looking for temps right now, but you promised me I'm the first person you'll call because you always claim I'm the best candidate that your office has to offer. Yet my phone continues to stay silent.

Have another drink and drive yourself home

2009-02-01T08:00:00.000-08:00

happybirthday.
I won't wish ill of you, even if it is on the tip of my tongue.
Don't expect a text or a call or an e-mail.

Enjoy. I hope there is ice on all the roads.

It's a silly time to learn to swim when you start to drown...

2009-01-31T12:44:00.000-08:00

After three weeks of being back in upstate New York, I finally have a gym membership! The best part is, it's only $20 a month for six months! Incredibly cheap for this area. I'm super excited to get back into working out after a few weeks of sitting around. I think that's one of the factors resulting in my intense moodiness. They don't have a lot of classes though which sucks but oh well. Maybe I can find some cheap yoga classes in the area or just force K. to do yoga DVDs with me.

Now that I have a membership, I can start making new work-out playlists! I typically listen to hardcore while exercising (underOATH, From Autumn to Ashes, Every Time I Die, Drop Dead Gorgeous) but lately it's been more electro (The Bloody Beetroots, MSTRKRFT, Boys Noize, Uffie, Blank & Jones). Sometimes there's even my typical indie choices in there (Arcade Fire, Wolf Parade, The Pierces) What do you recommend?

I just read "This is Not Chick Lit" which is a collection of short stories, edited by Elizabeth Merrick. I absolutely loved it and would recommend it. Some of the stories are heartbreaking, others comical and heart warming, while there are those that are just disturbing in a way that really makes you think about different situations you may have never considered before. It is not a cheap shot at "chick lit" as many have come to see it, including the editor of "This is Chick Lit" but rather an opportunity to give the spotlight to eighteen female modern literary talents. I think my favorite story was Cristina Henríquez's "Gabriella My Heart" about a young man coming to terms with his homosexuality.

Reason Why I Wish I Lived in Europe #872

2009-01-30T09:50:00.000-08:00

Am I the only one who wants to run out and dress their boyfriend in an outfit like this?

Probably.

Am I okay with this urge? Yes.

Would he let me? Questionable.

*From The Satoralist, 21 January 2009.

I'm still in your blood, you're still in my blood.

2009-01-29T14:35:00.000-08:00

I'm all for a bi-partisan government (as left-wing as I am). I think it is crucial, especially right now. While I do not agree with everything he has done in naming his cabinet members, I applaud Obama for treading on middle ground thus far. So why is it that Congressional Republicans cannot play nicely, especially after they got the tax cuts and other provisions written into the stimulus bill, provisions they insisted on? And then have the gall to say to Durbin, "Don't give up on us. We still want to work with you." I don't think this will continue on when it gets to the Senate but I do have to say that I'm not liking Pelosi lately.

On that note, The Huffington Post (and GoFugYourself) is why I never get anything done, I swear.

I'm not sure how many more articles I can read about families involved in murder-suicides. It makes me incredibly nauseous. Has our country really fallen this far?

I adore this photograph and I'm not sure why:

Interview tomorrow. Keeping my fingers crossed. Although now I've posted that fact on here and told some of my friends, I'm sure I've jinxed it.

Next up: 101 in 1001 Days project
(I take back the words "next up" - I can't promise that as it might take a while to compile this list, as I would like it to be sincere)

Go download the Bloody Beatroots - erm, if you like electro musc. If that's not your thing, try "Time Lapse Lifeline" by Maria Taylor or "Bitches in Tokyo" by STARS.

2009-01-28T10:59:00.000-08:00

(sometimes it's impossible to be motivated enough to take the first steps)

May we please move on?

2009-01-27T06:03:00.000-08:00

I realize that President Obama's inauguration was one week ago. So why is it that today I opened the newspaper to the editorial section and still find people complaining about the cost of this inauguration in a time of recession? Further more, are these people serious? Do they really need someone to break it down to them? Please let me know if you disagree with me but here's my take on the situation.

The 56th inauguration attracted the largest crowds in history, estimated at just over one million people in attendance. 8,000 police officers from all over the country as well as 10,000 National Guard troops were flown in to assist with crowd control. This is a necessary cost for the safety of the citizens who wanted to be a part of this historic event. I agree that some of the security costs incurred by the whistle-stop train trip could have been scaled back but at the same time it was a wonderful way to reach out to every day people who do not have the means of seeing the inauguration in person.

As you've noticed, we are in a recession, which is the original cry for the spending. Generally, one would think that with a recession would come deflated costs since no one is spending as much. Unfortunately, costs are still inflated, not dropping fast enough. Therefore, all the costs for an inauguration in 2009 are going to be exponentially higher than they were in 2005. Not to mention, media outlets keep throwing out figures of $42-70 million from 2005. This is wrong! After the cost of security and transportation, which no one seems to be factoring in, Bush spent close to $115 million.

Please note that a majority of the $150 million+ spent on this event was paid for with private funds. The inaugural balls were paid for entirely from these private funds. You can't stop wealthy donors (read: celebrities) from spending their money in a recession.

So please, may we just move on and focus on the 70,000 jobs across the country that were lost yesterday and pray that Obama has picked the right people to seat his cabinet that can help to save our country and our world?

A Valuable Life Lesson

2009-01-26T20:10:00.000-08:00

I'd like to clarify something.
I know that I previously claimed to judge people.

I think I misused the word judge.

I guess that I was just horrified that she claimed to know literature when her perception of what is considered literature varies from mine. I mean really, literature is any kind of writing in prose or verse. I still think she's a wonderful person, which I did mention in the beginning. And unlike her, I won't dismiss someone because they do not choose to pick up a book for recreational use.

Let me give you an example of a time when I did not judge someone but they in turn judged me and really made me rethink my opinion about a lot of things. In December, I went to my boyfriend's company Christmas party with him. I had on a sexy black dress and rocked the four inch black patent pumps. We sat next to one of the people who works in the company's plant. My boyfriend is an environmental chemist and a lot of the people that work for the company in the plant are ex-convicts. This charming fellow happened to have gone to prison for operating a crystal meth lab in Alaska. Sitting to his right was his girlfriend.

Looking at her, you could tell she had a hard life. She was overweight and looked weathered, with her perm, cheap sweater and ratty black pants. I didn't judge her yet I didn't pity her. I had no opinion on her. I tried to say something to her a few times and every time the only response I received was a full-on glare. Throughout the course of dinner, the two argued over who was drinking and who was driving home. The kicker is this argument had nothing to do with the safety of their own lives and others. It had everything to do with the fact that she has a breathalyzer in her car. In order to start the car, you have to blow. Every few minutes while driving, it will instruct you to blow again. This is to make sure no one other than the driver had blown into it to start the car. If it detects alcohol, you have about forty-five second to pull over to the shoulder before the car shuts itself off. How does one get such a wonderful contraption in their car in the state of Washington? All it takes is a few drunk driving convictions! So why didn't they just take his car? Oh, that's right. He had his license revoked and is not allowed to have a car registered in his name.

So it was decided that she would drive. Yet every time he wasn't looking, she reached over and downed his glass of wine. In seconds. I've never seen someone gulp down alcohol so fast. And there was that period of forty-five minutes that she was "in the bathroom." In all, I didn't give much thought to them, other than I thought it was sad that they could talk about the breathalyzer in her car in front of everyone at the dinner table like it was the latest fashion accessory that everyone had.

Come Monday, I get a phone call from the boyfriend. Apparently this woman asked her boyfriend if V. always dates girls who are such bitches. She went on to say that I'm incredibly full of myself and that I think I'm better than everyone. Excuse me? I was the one who went out of my way to speak to her and she was the one who couldn't even spare me one word in return. Was it because I was dressed formally, like everyone else? The fact that I can form a sentence intelligently? Or is it the that I realize it's not 1987 and perms aren't in anymore. Maybe it was the look of horror that flashed across my face when her boyfriend asked me what kind of girl I am, if I am a "bad girl" and then winked. I didn't even mention to her that I will not drive even if I've had only one drink because I think of the safety of others, as well as my own well being.

If I had known she felt that way about me, I would have had no problem leaning over and letting her know that her boyfriend tells everyone at work that his girlfriend is fat and ugly and that he only dates her because he knows she will never cheat on him.

That was my lesson in judging, to the max.

WTF, Google Reader?

2009-01-24T18:59:00.001-08:00

Why is it that when I delete a post, it still shows up in Google Reader? Strange. Please stop, GR. I was hoping that nothing would ever come between our love affair, but this is the first (tiny) crack in my affection.

Hmmm. Regardless, I was excited to see that I have FOUR subscribers on Google Reader and THREE followers through Blogger! How absolutely thrilling! And only ten posts in? I swear it's not me on four different Google accounts. . .

I'm completely and madly in love with this studio apartment in NYC featured on Apartment Therapy. It's insanely incredibly and she is so gorgeous. Sigh. I wish I had stuck with dancing. She does need to invest in a little bit of artwork, but I'm sure every penny she earns goes to rent. I can only hope to find a studio half this nice in Seattle, come August.

My other current obsession happens to be Jon Favreau, but I'm sure you all already know about him. He's the 27 year old speechwriter for Obama. Yes, 27 years old. Simply amazing.

Well, I think that about sums up my random items for the day. I generally hate to write posts like this and I promise not to have too many of them, my faithful subscribers and followers!

"I believe we can provide jobs to the jobless, homes to the homeless, and reclaim young people in cities across America from violence and despair."*

2009-01-23T16:06:00.000-08:00

Obama reverses abortion-funding policy

This is what gives me hope about our new president and finally the potential for growth that our country will hopefully experience again, as well as the ability to help third-world countries, not destroy them.

If only the economy would rise quicker. I'm starting to slip into a depression. I know that it's the economy and not me, but sometimes it's hard to remind yourself of that fact when it's constant rejections or not even an invitation for an interview. Some days, it is a challenge just to get out of bed. It is upsetting to know that I can't go to graduate school in London in the fall (there are times when it's all I can think about) and it's disheartening that it's so difficult to find employment, with higher education and experience. I'm so thankful that I have the option of returning to my parents' house while I look for a job and figure out my life (even though at times I may complain, it's embarrassing to be back here at 23 and I miss my boyfriend across the country). It breaks my heart to think of the families who have nothing left.

I have got to stop spending so much time on the internet and watching countless TV shows on DVD, in between job hunting. This is most likely not helping my despondent state. I e-mailed a few places today in hopes of being able to volunteer and on Monday I'm creating a schedule to study for the LSAT and I'm sticking to it. Now I just need to find a place to study. Coffee shops were always my preferred location in college but a cup of coffee is expensive when you have no income!

If you're looking for a pick-me up during such hard times, reading this may put a huge smile on your face.

*The title of this post was taken from President Obama's speech at the Democratic National Convention in 2004.

Bedroom Eyes No More

2009-01-22T08:13:00.000-08:00

When I was younger, up until 8th grade, my eyes were droopy. It's fairly noticeable in pictures. My mother always referred to them as "bedroom eyes" and told me they were pretty. To me, they just made me look like a beagle. Not what a girl going through puberty wants to have.

So, when I was 13, I started forcing myself to open my eyes wider and keep them like that. That's what I spent most of my time concentrating on in my math and science classes, which is probably one of the reasons why I have a degree in English.

It's not as easy as it sounds, when you've been walking around with your eyes half closed for the majority of your life.

In the end, this little endeavor paid off. Now, a countless number of people on a regular basis tell me that I have huge eyes. I smile and coyly say thank you, never letting them know how long it took to achieve such a compliment. I can't do fractions, long division or tell you the names of things in outer space...but my mother no longer tells me I have "bedroom eyes." Success, mais non? As this project was a victory, I have tried many times in the past ten years to get my nose to straighten out on its own. No such luck. I guess skin is easier to manipulate than bone.

I'm so not proactive in enriching my quality of life

2009-01-21T07:28:00.000-08:00

I'm in a rut. Big time.

Here's a snippet of how my days have been recently:

10:08 A.M. - Open one eye. Check time. Roll over. Sigh. Text boyfriend. Drag myself out of bed. Consume massive amounts of coffee. Half heartedly look for jobs online.

11:13 A.M. - Watch an episode of Doctor Who.

1:34 P.M. - Hang out with either my brother or my sister and her little monsters (never both at once). Text boyfriend.

5:47 P.M. - Dinner with my parents, usually something horrendous that they think is fabulous.

7:58 P.M. - There are two options here. I'll either go out for a drink/coffee with a friend, or continue to watch episodes of Doctor Who until 1:00 A.M.

12:00 A.M. - Talk to boyfriend on phone.

Repeat. The only exception would be weekends when I drive an hour away to my alma mater for classes and spend the night with my crazy friends.

I know this isn't healthy and I should be studying for the LSAT and looking for jobs and not consuming so many cookies and Diet Cokes. I've decided that until I can find a job, I'll start volunteering. I'm making K. volunteer at the Special Olympics with me in a few weeks and I'd like to start helping out at the local AIDS non-profit organization, where I used to go weekly in high school to offer my assistance. I feel like I need motivation to start living again. I should also probably deactivate my facebook so that I don't spend all day on there. That'd be good. Not to mention clean out my Google Reader. Keeping up on other people's blogs takes a lot of time. Did I also let you in on the secret that I've been back for almost two weeks and I still haven't completed unpacked? Let's just say, my parents probably wish I would just get married so someone could take me off their hands.

Anyway, I'm off to continue to look for any form of employment. At this point, it's not even about the money. It's about not going completely insane from lack of activities.

Hi, my name is Amanda and I'm judging you.

2009-01-16T10:35:00.000-08:00

Oh gosh, ANOTHER confession?

Here it is...

...I judge people. Harshly.

Who doesn't. I will never let it cloud my ability to be open minded until I get to know that person. After that, it's game on. Recently, I met a sweetheart who proclaimed herself to be an avid reader and book lover. Hell yes! She was telling me that she wants to go back to school for her B.A. and was interested in going for Literature. A woman after my own heart. She said in a haughty voice that she judges people who do not read and won't talk to them if they don't (even I'm not that bad - I'll talk to them and have plenty of material to talk about to my friends after, obviously).

We started talking about what we were currently reading. I told her I was reading "The American" by Henry James. I love Henry James. As my brother recently pointed out, there is no soul in his books. I just adore the commentary on American-European social standards in the late 1800's, as well as the travel aspect of it. What can I say, it gets me all hot and bothered. She had never heard of Henry James. Hmm. Really? Not everyone has, so I'll let it slide. The conversation continued and she told me she loves British and Irish literature. Me too! James Joyce is one of my favorite authors! Her response? "Oh, I've never heard of James Joyce! Is he a new author?" I almost fell off my chair. And she wanted to major in literature?

I can appreciate the fact that she enjoys reading, even though most of her chosen material seems to be of the...sexual persuasion. At least it's using more of the brain than watching television. I have to admit, once in a very great while I will pick up a chick lit book. Hell, I freaking love horror fiction, especially those that involve vampires (sorry, I hated the Twilight series - horribly written). Yet I'm still going to judge you if you act all high and mighty and better than everyone because you read constantly, claim you love Irish literature but you don't know who James Joyce is. What's next, are you going to tell me you don't know who Sylvia Plath or Virginia Woolf are?

I'm not saying that everyone should run out and be well versed on Joyce or James. I just feel that if you truly have a passion for literature, you would at least have heard of these authors. Therefore, I'm judging her. Harshly. But I'll never let her know and I'll continue to allow her to talk "books" with me.

Guilty Pleasure Confession

2009-01-15T12:21:00.000-08:00

Today as I was watching Queen videos on YouTube, I had to stop and wonder if this could be considered a "guilty pleasure." Then again...who doesn't love Queen? Their songs make an excellent soundtrack to every aspect of my life.

For example, the other day I was re-organizing my room (my parents are THRILLED to have me back in their house at the

tender age of twenty three!) and I thought I had thrown away/burned everything from my life with him. I shuffled through some papers I had left on my desk only to find a note that reads "Amanda, I LOVE you! Love, J." Next, I found a card with a long inscription saying he loved me, so on and so forth. I opened up the top drawer of my dresser to put some socks aways and found some of his socks and a pair of blue and green plaid Calvin Klein boxers. Fuc

k. Seriously? I ended up sitting on the floor of my bedroom listening to Queen's "Save Me" on repeat and

contemplating downing the shooter of Jack Daniel's that was sitting beside me and then running to the liquor store to aquire some more. So, back to my point, Queen's "Save Me" was the perfect song for the moment. Did I mention he was wearing a Queen shirt when I met him? Bastard. Of course I was going to fal

l head over heels in love with the asshole. The crazy part is I have no feelings left for him, whatsoever. I couldn't be happier to have him out of my life. It's the Queen that makes me so morose about it. I swear!

Moving on. When I'm down and needing a little pick me up to remind myself about how AWESOME I am..."Don't Stop Me Now" is perfect! "I'm a shooting star leaping through the skiesssss." You know, when you're getting ready to go out and you're running around in your underwear and thigh high socks from American Apparel...this is the song to listen to. Example of me in my AA socks is to your left.

I have to admit, "Under Pressure" is probably the best. song. ever. written. Ever. Queen AND David Bowie? Omigod. Orgasmic. I could listen to that song on repeat, probably for the rest of my life. Honestly.

Now...this Paul Rogers BS? No thank you! Queen IS Freddie Mercury. You're not honoring his memory by replacing him with Paul Rogers, of all people. AND releasing new material? I never listen to the radio but about a year and a half ago, I didn't have my iPod or a good CD in the car so I was forced to. I almost swerved off the road when I heard "and here's a new one from Queen, with Paul Rogers!"

So now that you know about my obsession with the best band of all time...let's never speak of this again.

San Diego Zoo Panda Cam!

2009-01-14T07:24:00.001-08:00

San Diego Zoo has a live stream of their Pandas!

Currently, the Panda in view is being adorable and sitting on a log, while eating bamboo.

Pandas are my favorite animals in the world. Maybe because when I was little, people used to always buy me stuffed Panda Bears as gifts, since it rhymes with Manda. Either way...I love them.

As CNN reports...Pandas are only cuddly in looks. In Beijing, Gu Gu nawed on a human for the third time.

Because what I need is more resolutions...

2009-01-11T23:19:00.000-08:00

My last post on resolutions...I swear...

I never make resolutions on New Year's. I know myself and I know that I change my mind about life every five minutes. New Year's Resolutions would last about ten minutes and I don't really feel that I need to change the issues that people normally choose to dissect on January 1st. I know it's unusual for a twenty-three year old female to say but I love my body. I'm a healthy 108 pounds for my 5'3" frame and I'm naturally pretty toned and I already work out on a pretty regular basis. I don't smoke so I can't quit that. Quit drinking or drink less? Ummmm how about I drink more. Debt? Okay, yes. I do need to work on that one. As for organization...I'm OCD, I think I have organization down pat.

I've come to realize that there is one thing that I do need to change. This is something you've probably already read in a million blogs but I think it's vital to my happiness. 2009 needs to be about me.

I've been the girl with a boyfriend pretty much since the time I was 16-17ish. Even when I was in relationship, towards the end of it I always had the next one picked out. If I didn't, it was not far from happening. If it wasn't a relationship, it was dating multiple people at a time, then eventually choosing just one. That's seven years of always having to be responsible for someone else's happiness. I know that's a horrible way to look at relationships, but it's essentially what a relationship is, in many ways.

I think I need a break from all of that. I think that I need to figure out my own life and not worry about someone else's. I don't want someone else to be the deciding factor in where I go to law school or where I move when I'm FINALLY able to and to be able to stay in one place for a while. Would I be crazy for getting rid of something that could have been the best thing that ever happened to me? If I'm questioning it...shouldn't that be my answer?

New Year's Blogging Resolutions

2009-01-11T07:55:00.001-08:00

I'm a horrible blogger. I create and delete blogs like crazy. I hate the way my writing comes across. I'm pretty sure it's because I'm so highly critical of myself, to a fault. Therefore, my new year's resolution (yes, I realize it is eleven days late) is to not be so critical, towards myself and others.

I also want to blog more, for myself. Yet I want to put effort into what I write and not have it be the type of blog that's focused on mundane things such as what I had for lunch. Unless, of course, it's something I cooked or baked. Then I will post pictures and dance around the kitchen and write all about it!

I'm back on the East Coast. It's not at all what I wanted it to be. It's actually downright depressing and I can't stop listening to LCD Soundsystem's "Someone Great." My paralegal classes start next Saturday and I have a job interview on Monday so I really can't complain, things will pick up and hopefully I can score a real job and not have to be the home improvement girl again. I have to crack down on LSAT studying. I need to learn how to love logic games, not desperately despise them. How does one accomplish such a feat?

Reflections on the fabulousness that was the year 2008

2009-01-06T18:08:00.000-08:00

Oh, 2008. I hated you.

My boyfriend got jumped and beaten up, resulting in a broken orbital bone and scratched cornea; I missed a week of work taking care of him. I guess when your friend hands you a loretab in the bathroom of a bar after you took eight shots of hard liquor, you turn into quite an asshole. Guess what, you deserved it. I mourned the loss of my grandmother, the last of any living extended family that I had. I did too much ecstasy at a Boyz Noise/MSTRKRFT show in Toronto and swore off drugs for the rest of my life. I decided I wanted to run away to London for graduate school in Human Rights – I applied to approximately 8 schools, got into about 7. I sent in my $1,000 non-refundable deposit to Kingston University, quit my plush job as a legal assistant and moved home for the summer to save money. Boyfriend convinced me to defer for a year so that we could go to London together, stay in love and be as one forever. Two weeks after I send my request for deferral, we break up. After two years of dating. Apparently girls who wear ten pounds of make-up are more fascinating than me. It’s okay, really. Your weight gain, shitty attitude, fucked up friends, drug use and the fact you could not graduate from college after five years was making me seriously abhor the sight of you. I can say in all seriousness that I hope you drop dead. Soon.

I moved to Seattle to get over my heartbreak, hang out with my older brother and hopefully find a job. I dropped down to 98 pounds but thankfully am back to a healthy 108. Did not find a job but rekindled my affair with hard alcohol and dancing, re- discovered my penchant for living life to the fullest and found an ex-cop bouncer with a girlfriend and banging another girl on the side. Three months later and he’s in love, avec moi. I went through three blogs, including this one. I deleted all entries from 2008, as I want to forget the year ever occurred. I went to a Seahawks game with my ex cop bouncer’s father and got so drunk off of Bud Light that he had to carry me out. Classy. While my choice of candidates won the presidential election, the economy continues to slide into oblivion, taking with it any hopes at securing the 40k in loans I need for London in the Fall, much less landing a decent paying job.

I fell in love with thigh high socks from American Apparel, Malibu and Sprite, StartingOverat24.blogspot.com, MGMT, Shiny Toy Guns, the city of Seattle, GoFugYourself.Com and Etsy.com.

I made some new friends, lost some old friends. I have no regrets about the "friends" I lost. I learned not to give my number out at a bar while stumbling drunk, they will call/text incessantly. For three months after, even if you never respond. Most of all, I learned that the cliche "life is too short" is 100% true.

Enter 2009. On Thursday I’m moving back home across the country, taking a paralegal certification course and resuming my position as the customer service expert at my local Home Depot, using a computer system that has not been updated since 1985. I cannot wait to hear the wonderful personal questions from customers yet again, ranging from "are you old enough to work here?," "what high school do you go to?" and of course, "is there a man that could help me with this?" Yes assholes, I am old enough to work here, I have my bachelor's degree which I'm guessing is something you have not yet or ever will earn and I may be tiny but I can answer your questions about home improvement better than any man in the store. I am toying with the idea of maintaining a long-distance relationship from thousands of miles away with my darling ex-cop bouncer. I will throw myself into studying for the LSAT and dream of once again moving out of my parents’ house, hopefully before the celebration of my twenty fourth year of existence in October.

Resolutions? I'll save that for another time.